Talk:Sejal D. Dani

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Dear Sejal, yours is a text you know i really like. it feels like you have entered the mind of the child as she moves from her story, into phalke's. the moment where the girl/phalke watch and absorb cinema from the screen is very very beautiful and moving. so what do you want to do with your piece? just now it feels like the perfect synopsis of a story- in which you have shown all the connections, including the emotional ones.

i have made some corrections- they are in brackets. sometimes i have put in a optional word in a bracket, sometimes i have put in a word that you have used and said, 'i think this word is not needed here', because the sentence still seems to express the same thing.

similarly, i have put in a comma etcetra in brackets if i feel you could add it there.

choose the changes you want to make and put the story back. read it to yourself, as i think you may have many times( have you?) and tell me what you think. it should finally read like the perfect piece- almost like a poem- even if you do not break up the lines like they do in poems. but in reading it should feel like that?

get back in touch and tell me what you feel about your piece now affly hansa

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