Talk:Amrusha Dalvi - Revision history

HansaThapliyal at 04:57, 28 August 2006

2006-08-28T04:57:01Z

Radhika Ganorkar at 18:00, 19 July 2006

2006-07-19T18:00:48Z

HansaThapliyal at 03:36, 4 July 2006

2006-07-04T03:36:10Z

HansaThapliyal at 10:58, 2 July 2006

2006-07-02T10:58:03Z

New page

Dear Amrusha,
i really enjoyed reading your story- it moves over a lot of things, and still, i stay interested, that is GReat!!
now, i think you need to go over it line by line- and think- do you like exactly how each line written, or how each paragraph sounds? you could then do a spell check and a grammar check, from word itself, and see if you want to make the suggested changes.
i have done some basic spelling/grammar corrections( made often with careless typing that all of us do}- i have put them in the text itself, in square brackets. go over them and put in the changes you feel comfortable with.

the beginning is lovely. it does feel like a incomplete thought. you describe one morning in karachi.
do the other events- the attack etc, happen on that morning? in that case, say so.
or is it like a memory- that comes to you sometimes, of one random happy morning in karachi? in that case- write it like that- how one morning comes back to you? what do you think?

then, i felt a bit uncnvinced when they decided to shift to bombay from kohlapur. if they did not have money to stay in bombay before, how did they decide to do it now? you give a clue- that the mother feels she cannot stay in kohlapur any more- but i think you could stress it a bit more- so it seems convincing.

then in bombay- a little more about the difficulty of being there, or the good luck of almost immediately finding a job with the painter.

you make your character enter jj. then you say how after a month his results came. then you talk about the masters.
the description of the masters, and then about the other boy.
maybe you could change the order. if he notices the masters, he would have noticed them earlier only, no? soon after he joined?

i like the way the ending is made- how they discover who the other person is, that is lovely.
and of course there are many many - many small small lovely details scattered all over the story. which make it more real. and help me to picture it- the descriptions of karachi, the suffocating train journey- i like the detail of the name of the street in karachi-
v.t. is a good scene, it needs a little cleaning up of language and sequence. imagine it precisely and then check your words- are they telling it exactly as you imagine it?
the fathers death made me feel very sad, it is very well written.

work on jj. clean up the language, imagine things clearly lke in karachi.
the image of the bird is very lovely.

best of luck and get back with some chages soon- also write and tell if you agree/disagree with the suggestions, or if you want to discuss something
affly
hansa

←Older revision		Revision as of 04:57, 28 August 2006
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		+	about draft two-
		+	amrusha, i really loved the ending- the last two lines, the surprise, the alaughter, is great.
		+	the top part seems well cleaned, i think you can do a lot more with the decision to go to the art school, and what happens there.
		+	think, hard, of your early experiences in art school, what you loved, what frightened you. what processes you learnt. is a canvas difficult every time, difficutl sometimes? what did you feel when you first did a canvas?
		+	and knew you had to present it to class?
		+	have you seen any of abalal's paintings in that book - i know little about painting, but he makes these wonderful, delicate lines, draws not grandly, but something looks very alive in his work. in kolhapur i saw some of this paintings- landscapes- of the moon over the river, portraits, in which i noticed the eyes looked alive.
		+	he must have slowly learnt to be so good, what must have it been like in the beginning?
		+	amrusha, you can do this and do this well, and now that i know you are interestd in doing it well, i am going to harass you to come up with a good!! story-
		+	love
		+	hansa
		+
	Dear Amrusha,		Dear Amrusha,
	I really enjoyed reading your story- it moves over a lot of things, and still, I stay interested, that is GReat!!		I really enjoyed reading your story- it moves over a lot of things, and still, I stay interested, that is GReat!!

←Older revision		Revision as of 18:00, 19 July 2006
Line 30:		Line 30:
	hansa		hansa
	ps. I had to return and correct many mistakes I had made in this letter! same- simple spelling, capitals, grammatical mistakes. I think somehow computer writing makes us lazy in these aspects.		ps. I had to return and correct many mistakes I had made in this letter! same- simple spelling, capitals, grammatical mistakes. I think somehow computer writing makes us lazy in these aspects.
		+
		+	i enjoyed ur story very much.....
		+	u've insipred to get down to some more writing.....

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
 Dear Amrusha,
-i really enjoyed reading your story- it moves over a lot of things, and still, i stay interested, that is GReat!!
+I really enjoyed reading your story- it moves over a lot of things, and still, I stay interested, that is GReat!!
-now, i think you need to go over it line by line- and think- do you like exactly how each line written, or how each paragraph sounds? you could then do a spell check and a grammar check, from word itself, and see if you want to make the suggested changes.
+Now, I think you need to go over it line by line, and think- do you like exactly how each line is written, or how each paragraph sounds? You could then do a spell check and a grammar check, from 'Word' itself, and see if you want to make the suggested changes.
-i have done some basic spelling/grammar corrections( made often with careless typing that all of us do}- i have put them in the text itself, in square brackets. go over them and put in the changes you feel comfortable with.
+I have done some basic spelling/grammar corrections( that happen often with careless typing that all of us do}- I have put them in the text itself, in square brackets. Go over them and put in the changes you feel comfortable with.
-the beginning is lovely. it does feel like a incomplete thought. you describe one morning in karachi.
+The beginning is lovely. It makes the place very vivid, but Ihave one doubt- does it feel like a incomplete thought? Could the reader later ask- why are  you describing that  one morning in Karachi?
-do the other events- the attack etc, happen on that morning? in that case, say so.
+Do the other events- the attack etc, happen on that morning? in that case, the story shoudl say so.
-or is it like a memory- that comes to you sometimes, of one random happy morning in karachi? in that case- write it like that- how one morning comes back to you? what do you think?
+Or is it like a memory- that comes to you sometimes, of one random happy morning in Karachi? in that case- write it like that- how one morning comes back to you? What do you think?
-then, i felt a bit uncnvinced when they decided to shift to bombay from kohlapur. if they did not have money to stay in bombay before, how did they decide to do it now? you give a clue- that the mother feels she cannot stay in kohlapur any more- but i think you could stress it a bit more- so it seems convincing.
+then, I felt a bit unconvinced when they decided to shift to Bombay from Kohlapur. If they did not have money to stay in Bombay before, how did they decide to do it now? You give a clue- that the mother feels she cannot stay in Kohlapur any more- but I think you could stress it a bit more- so it seems convincing.
-then in bombay- a little more about the difficulty of being there, or the good luck of almost immediately finding a job with the painter.
+Then in bombay- a little more about the difficulty of being there, or the good luck of almost immediately finding a job with the painter.
-you make your character enter jj. then you say how after a month his results came. then you talk about the masters.
+You make your character enter jj. Then you say how after a month his results came. THEN you describe the masters, and the other boy.
-the description of the masters, and then about the other boy.
+Maybe you could change the order. If he notices the masters, he would have noticed them earlier only, no? Soon after he joined?
-i like the way the ending is made- how they discover who the other person is, that is lovely.
+I like the way the ending comes- how they discover who the other person is, that is lovely.
-and of course there are many many - many small small lovely details scattered all over the story. which make it more real. and help me to picture it- the descriptions of karachi, the suffocating train journey- i like the detail of the name of the street in karachi-
+and of course there are many many - many small small lovely details scattered all over the story. which make it more real. And help me to picture it- the descriptions of karachi, the suffocating train journey- I like the detail of the name of the street in Karachi-
-work on jj. clean up the language, imagine things clearly lke in karachi.
+The V.T. meeting is a good scene, it needs a little cleaning up of language and sequence. Imagine it precisely and then check your words- are they telling it exactly as you imagine it?
 the image of the bird is very lovely.
-best of luck and get back with some chages soon- also write and tell if you agree/disagree with the suggestions, or if you want to discuss something
+Best of luck and get back with some chages soon- also write and tell if you agree/disagree with the suggestions, or if you want to discuss something
 affly
 hansa